Smoking Ashes
by The Shipping Cap'n
Summary: After what is referred to as 'the incident' Connie can't forgive herself for the change in Pearl. Only thing is... That day, that scar, put Pearl through more of a change than anyone was ready for. Even Pearl herself... (older Connie like 18-ish *cough cough* and Pearl One shot)


Smoking Ashes

"Pearl?"

"Pearl, please….. _**PEARL**_!"

The angry cry finally roused the gem in question from her thoughts, enough to flick her half lidded, dull blue eyes down towards the girl standing in the rain next to her."

"I told you, if you didn't want to come you didn't have to, you've seen me smoke countless times…. It's not like anything new is happening here when I say I'm going out."

Faded leather clung loosely from her shoulders as she heaved a sigh, looking up at the gem before her.

Hair, once kept in a high peak of perfection now clung in damp tendrils to her ashen face, as hollow blue eyes, sitting atop a slightly flushed, sharp nose, peered wordlessly down at her.

It was like being picked apart by a disgruntled bird, Connie thought amusedly, a small grin joining her flushed features as she averted her eyes from the look, empty frames bobbing uselessly on the bridge of her nose. She didn't want to be seen by her as weak…. Connie fought off a shiver, the cold rain not doing much to help as she clung a little tighter to Pearl's leather jacket, subconsciously sniffing the fabric in question…. _It smells more and more like smoke with every passing day…._ Fighting off another shiver, this one a bit deeper, she dared a glance back up at Pearl.

She was still staring. Figures….

See, the thing about Pearl, no matter how much time has changed her, one thing that might never go away is her stare. Connie had noticed it when she first met her, that analytical gaze that ensnares a person, creature, object, whatever the subject…. Once Pearl finds something that makes her think, she stares at it, trying to pick it apart as all Pearls are designed to do… _Even now…._ Connie muses.

But Connie can't help but wonder, _why didn't I notice the change in her eyes? They were such a sight, bright and blue like the sky, filled with thoughts, filled with hope… now?_

Cold and glinting, but not without their own twisted version of thought, Pearl's once bright eyes picked her apart, silently watching, even as she stubbed out her cigarette and took out a new one. The only break from it being her turning her head to light it. _That scar, that awful scar…. It's what changed her isn't it?_ Connie remembered the day clearly, it was one she had tried and failed many times to forget.

- _An epic clashing noise fills the air as Connie surges forward, her prey dodging skillfully out of the way as her sword merely glances off of the others._

" _You need to focus Connie, this is important you know." Pearl's clear voice startles her, she's right next to her, sword already in half swing, she lunges out of the way, Pearl's rapier coming only inches from where she stood before._

" _I-I know." She pants out. She had been doing so well, ever since their little mishap with training before, Pearl had been making great effort to still her words, trying not to be so cold towards the possibility of her dying rather than Steven. But it still lingered in the little things. "You want to be ready for anything, what if Steven had been next to you when I struck?"_ _ **Sometimes she's a little more subtle though**_ _Connie banished her bitter thoughts as she twirled out of the way of another strike, thrusting her blade with narrowed eyes as she leapt forwards, using Pearl's momentum to quickly jam her shoulder into the gem's chest._

 _Pearl gagged, lungs trying uselessly to fill with air, body doubling forwards, before she rolled with a little less grace than she would've liked away from the girl, attempting to recover. "Good, just like that."_

 _As the battle grew towards a close Connie was actually feeling rather confidant with herself, throwing in more and more grandiose moves, advancing quicker and quicker on her opponent. If anything about this felt off she brushed the thoughts aside. Performing an extra wide sweeping kick she managed to trip Pearl, calling out before she could think, "I bet Rose would've been proud of that one!" She had meant nothing by it, she honestly could see, in her mind's eye, Rose watching over them fondly, and cheering as Connie had dis-armed her opponent with something akin to motherly affection,_ _ **something I'd never get at home**_ _she had thought bitterly. But now? She thought she saw something dangerous flash in Pearl's eyes and realized far too late that what she had said so lightheartedly was being taken the wrong way,_ _ **the really wrong way.**_ _Connie heard her rather than saw her, only for a flickering moment did she see Pearl's eyes before her own, filled with seething rage and hatred._ _ **That can't be towards me, Pearl seems way too far gone for it to be towards me…. Someone else probably said that to her once- oh God I've gotta- I-**_

 _Thoughts ceased, the world ceased as she dropped, rolled, leapt, out of the way of every feverent blow, Pearl was off the edge, each move loosing precision, becoming filled with hate as the warrior's thoughts… Memories….. Were elsewhere…._

 _She came at Connie with a rage filled scream, Connie's pleas for her to stop were to no avail, and now as her vision filled for what she feared was the last time with the cold glare of the hell bent gem, she did the only thing she could, she shakily plunged her sword forwards, eyes shedding tears into the heated air as her scream managed to block out the rage filled cry of the gem._

" _PEARL!"_

 _The scar was thick, raised above the skin, an angry, yet now faded, pink._

 _It ran from behind Pearl's ear all the way along the ark of her hair until it faded into nothing. Pearl had regenerated since then, it had almost been a year now even, but with every regeneration it seemed to never faze the scar that laid there. Hair never grew back where it ran, and the emotions it carried only seemed to get buried deeper and deeper the more she had regenerated, each time a little colder to the world._

 _Pearl wasn't mad at her, in fact after the battle she had finally emerged from her quarters in the temple, wound freshly bandaged, hair neatly in place, eyes searching worriedly around for the human._

 _Connie had visited whenever she could, hoping to apologize. She brought flowers, food (even though Steven and Amethyst had both assured her that Pearl hated eating and promptly shoved her offering into their own mouths, although Steven was a bit more polite with that). But Pearl had stayed in her room._

 _When her worried gaze finally rested on the girl laying dejectedly on the couch she had been quick to rush over, embracing the flustered human in an oddly uncharacteristic show of affection as she they had both cried openly, both with their own repetitive and remorse filled apologies._

Connie's eyes brimmed with unshed tears as she tried to scrub them away with the palm of her hand, along with her thoughts. She had her back turned to Pearl and her newly lit cancer stick as she did so, trying to feign annoyance as she half lamely called out, "Heh, blasted glasses, can't block the rain, it got in my eyes." Unbeknownst to Connie Pearl had been watching her once more from the moment she got her cigarette lit, she'd been watching her get lost in her own head, and had even seen the tears build in her eyes, before she tried to lamely turn away and feign the rain for being at fault.

The tired gem decided it better to keep it to herself the information she was aware the human girl already knew, they were under Rose's cherry blossom tree, so the rain that hit them was only a few bloated drops from the petals above, and Connie's glasses couldn't block anything with the frames out of them.

"Why are you wearing those things anyways?" She questioned instead, grimacing to herself subtly at how unused and rough her voice sounded, especially around the smoke.

She took note, and smirked at the fact, that Connie's cheeks flushed a dark red under wet tan skin as she chocked on her own surprise. "Uhm, I uh….." She trailed off uselessly, mind drawing a blank as she looked with wide brown eyes into half lidded dusty blues. _Those eyes, never leaving me, is she thinking about what happened too?_ She didn't realize until it was too late that her gaze had been drawn towards the only slightly visible scar, what with the height difference, the angle, and of course the damp strawberry blonde hair that lay haphazardly all around Pearl's face, she was surprised she could see the scar at all. Connie felt tears threatening to build again, and swallowed them down bitterly as she thought, _I guess they both stare at me now…._ She flicked her gaze back to Pearl's and saw something in those eyes that she hadn't seen in a while.

Emotion.

Pearl had noticed her stare change, had felt it self- consciously on the scar, had seen her eyes water again, she had seen **enough**.

Her thoughts confirmed she looked down at the girl, who she had lost control in front of more times than she would've liked…. Just like Steven…. After the incident, Pearl had indeed been 'poofed', as it was so eloquently termed, multiple times. And each time she had ran her hands over the scar, the scar that refused to heal, refused to go away, refused to stop reminding her that she was a hindrance to the team.

If she could control herself, if she could just be like she was designed, cold, analytical, un-caring, then she wouldn't have been seen as defective. She would have never met Rose on the day her superiors decided she was too emotional to be of any use, she never would've fallen for her like she did… Would still be home. Instead she was here, failing time and time again, losing her cool in front of Steven… In front of everyone….. Being a defective, worthless Pearl.

She had resolved to stop it. To stop being a failure, to stop feeling as much as she could.

The change was gradual, but soon everyone noticed the little things.

She stayed out later, brought home new smells and words, new things she wouldn't show Steven….

Spent more time in her room, when Garnet went to check on her (more like snuck in to be honest), even she was surprised to see Pearl, not meditating, but fighting, fighting and punching a large boxer's bag relentlessly, sweat pooling on her brow and falling with echoing sounds along with her ragged breathing as she trained. Day in and day out she became different, speaking without a care for grammar, rough housing with Amethyst to a point that eventually had to stop, Garnet stepping in one night in particular when Pearl had drawn blood and kept going anyways, Garnet violently pulling a savage gem off of the smaller one. Amethyst's eyes had been filled with fear and confusion as she ran off silently to her trash filled room to patch herself up. And that had been the end of that… It seemed…..

When she had started smoking Steven had reached his limit, his happy face filled with anger and worry as he confronted the now cold Pearl.

"Pearl, this isn't like you!" He had cried it out one night, as he had watched, as they had all watched, as Pearl walked out on to the porch without so much as a word and lit up, her back turned un-caringly to them.

"You've missed a memo kid, this **is** me." She said it in a tight, quipped tone, the end of the cigarette brightening as she took a long drag and let it settle in her throat. Steven had long since started crying, grabbing her hand and screaming at her, for how long she didn't know, begging her to talk to him, to any of them. Garnet's footsteps were quick, she had had enough of this too, and putting this on Steven?

 **Unforgivable.**

She ushered Steven in, telling Amethyst, trying to hold her rage as she seethed. "Steven. Your room. _**Now.**_ "

To say Pearl was ready would be an understatement. She simply flicked the used butt of the once glowing stick to the ground carelessly as she turned, smirk already working its way onto her face.

"Garnet, if you wanted to go somewhere the kids wouldn't bug us you could have just aske-"

The punch was solid, and she would've easily gone flying if Garnet's right fist wasn't curled in her shirt, now torn from having to hold her where she was from the hit.

" **Steven does, not, ever, EVER, come into this, you got that?!"** Garnet was absolutely seething, her face directly in front of Pearl's as all three eyes stared angrily into Pearl's two half lidded, un-caring ones, Garnet's glasses having been literally knocked right from her face as she had thrown herself into the punch. Pearl casually let her head roll back, feeling light headed but feigning an air of casualty as she spit a glob of deep blue blood to the ground. "I didn't bring him into _**shit, honey**_." She seethed right back, staring challengingly into Garnet's angry gaze, "He couldn't leave anything alone, it's his own _**damn fault.**_ " With that she stepped harshly down onto the taller gem's foot, having to point her toes down extra hard to hit a pressure point, and especially since she was a few inches off the ground. She heard Garnet let out her own hushed explicative as it hit home, a jolt of un-expected pain flashing up her leg as she released Pearl. As Pearl walked calmly away, Garnet turned from her hunched position, staring at the retreating form. "You have changed Pearl….. _**Why?**_ " She turned herself then, looking into the saddened eyes of her 'leader' with ice cold blue eyes, rather than half lidded, now furrowed with a sudden spark of anger.

"I'm only being how I was _**supposed**_ to be, how I was _**designed to be**_." And with that she left.

"Connie, quit staring at it… trust me it won't make the scar fade…" _I've tried already_ she thought bitterly, looking into those saddened chocolate orbs like she looked at Garnet all that time ago.

Connie wilted a little under the harsh gaze and chose instead to turn her blushing face away, staring out into the dark rain, highlighted by the fat moon that hung above the tree they were under. She let her back hit the cold wet wood and shrunk into the jacket, wondering briefly if Pearl was cold. She glanced over at Pearl then and took into account her attire.

While she was dressed in a simple loose knit sweater, a demure blue skirt, knee socks and warm boots, her companion was wearing skin tight jeans, tattered and faded ballet flats with no socks, and one of Steven's star shirts, tied up tightly to her frame with a hair tie. If the tall woman was cold she didn't show it, her skin was even devoid of goosebumps Connie noted as she shivered again.

"I-I'm… I didn't mean to stare I just…." She heard Pearl sigh through her nose as she talked, and chanced looking at her under thick brown lashes. She was met again with that cold stare and felt something spark in her. Something challenging. "I could say the same thing to you, you know? Staring at me this whole time like you're trying to pick me apart or something! What? Do I have something on my face? Or are you thinking about it too! The _**incident**_ " Connie bit out harshly, letting her words finally fall out of her without inhibition, she was tired of feeling this way, like she was still the reason behind this drastic change in Pearl, in Steven, in _**everyone**_. "I _**know**_ that's why you changed, I know it! Admit it already and talk to me, I'm the one that did this to you, so to Heck with everyone else! This is between _**YOU**_ AND _**ME!"**_ She finished then, her rage filled cry tumbling out along with her tears as she stood now, above the hunched over gem, the rain reaching a startling crescendo as it raged like her emotions above, the tree thrashing wildly in the wind as petals and water obscured her gaze. She didn't see Pearl lazily rolling her head back, slowly dragging her lifeless blue orbs up her shaking frame, a light flickering in them dangerously as she grazed the look ravenously across Connie's full, quivering lips. Tongue flicking out quickly to swipe at a thin and chapped lower lip as she finally settled her eyes on Connie's, expecting them to be filled with boiling anger.

 _Tears? W-Why?_ She was shocked out of her dark thoughts by this, Connie wasn't shaking in anger anymore, at least not anger at Pearl. She could pick up the sound of hiccupping sobs amongst the claps of thunder and the rolling sheets of rain as she stood above her. Dark hair whipping around her slight frame, sobs wracking her body as she fell to her knees in front of her, fingers clawing uselessly at the ground as she dug out, "If you hate me then just tell me….. **Just tell me just tell me** _ **please…**_ I can't stand to see you like this, angry, violent, cold…. So different… Please…" She sobbed one more time before her air vanished, leaving her gasping as cold, thin, arms wrapped a crushing, icy grip around her, chapped lips slamming into her full ones…..

 _Is this what the universe stopping feels like?_

From anyone else's perspective the kiss was rather lackluster, only lasting mere moments, no deepening what so ever, just a simple, tight press of skin to skin, but to _them_ it lasted forever, and yet, just long enough.

Connie found rough finger tips grazing her cheeks over and over, brushing her tears reverently away as she cried new ones unwillingly, the heavy drops falling into the cradling embrace of those rugged, thin fingertips. Her fingers never stopped their task, even when she had cried all her tears out, and all that was left was the silent shaking of her dying sobs.

-Pearl had been watching her carefully ever since that night and they had decided to keep whatever this was under the radar for the time being.

Though, with this new development, change too, came.

They began sparring again, the two of them falling into it as if they'd never stopped.

Pearl was a lot calmer, but still bit out rude replies and shot harsh glances whenever provoked, or when Connie wasn't around to calm her down. And things, as shaky as they were, began healing with Garnet and Amethyst. Although Steven was still hard to be around with his worrying glances over at her smoking habits.

Needless to say, she did it subtly, changing her routes, smoking _only_ when he wasn't around, or when she went out on walks to do it alone. She didn't hide it from him of course, she just didn't want to look into those worried eyes that's all….. She had hoped he didn't notice how caring she was being again, how considerate to his feelings she was being by doing this.

Of course he had, they all had. But she found herself nowadays fighting off a fond smile as he didn't mention it, simply smiling as best as he could, turning and reluctantly heading back in, calling out to be careful and that he loved and trusted her whenever she announced she was going out.

Her attire had still stayed about the same though, Pearl had actually found comfort, and even a bit of much needed confidence not having to constantly remain prim and proper, much rather throwing on whatever felt good rather than what looked 'acceptable'.

And if she was calmer, fine, if she was more considerate, whatever.

And if she went out with Connie more often than not, to do somethings that most Christians would turn their nose up towards….. Well then…

She was just being herself

Fuck designs…..


End file.
